h011ywood_blvd

while i'm flattered that random casa grandian boys have taken to adding me on myspace (some i've never even seen whilst drunkenly stumbling around the rogue...), it's a little weird.

am i like a fucking legend down there or something?

Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
Though there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by...


If you smile through your fears and sorrows.
Smile and maybe tomorrow.
You'll see the sun come shining through.


If you just light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever, ever so near.


That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find life is still worthwhile
If you'll just smile, come on and smile.


If you just smile.




...then why is it so painful?

you got your kicks, you got your kicks from playing me. and the less you give the more i want so foolishly...

i can't seem to shake the feeling that the world at large is out to get me...

...yeah, it could be worse when you put my life on paper, but my mind is a clusterfuck and it NEVER shuts off. i feel like there's absolutely NOTHING i can do to make myself genuinely happy, let alone stay that way...

...and it pisses me off that it's all because a boy doesn't love me.

despite what i post here, i really am thankful for lots of things.

i'm glad i have a job and a house to live in. i'm glad i have friends and family that i know have my back at all times, whether or not they agree with my decisions. i'm glad i'm healthy. i'm glad that i haven't had any majorly terrible curve balls come my way. i'm glad that, though i haven't seen her in over a month, that my dog recognizes my scent and gets excited when i come home to the point of following me everywhere and poking me in the back with her nose periodically through the night as if she's saying 'i'm glad you're here!'

though it sucks that i don't have what i want most from who i want most, it's good to sit back and be happy about the things i DO have...

...happy thanksgiving, everyone:).

i wish i could've just stayed in bed today...

holy fuck.  i'm 22...

i suddenly have the urge to chop off my hair and go shopping.

luckily, i have no money. i know that i'd like my short hair for like a week and then cry about how i made a HUGE mistake.

i think i want highlights... having normal hair pisses me off.

i'd totally get a weave if it wasn't such a retarded concept since my hair is long anyway.

bah, i need a change. i think i'm going to get a tattoo for my birthday because i deserve it.

yeah, i'll go ahead and do that. nothing like having a needle punching ink into your skin :).

"he knows he has nothing to offer you, so maybe that's why he's shutting you out... he didn't want to drag you down with him... he's really lost right now, baby..."

i could feel it in my bones when i saw him. he looked at me a couple times when he was on stage, but didn't say a single word to me.

he has no fire and it seems like all the passion he had just got bled out of him.

i can't do a damn thing about it. and it's tearing me in half...

oh, and the best thing?

"...we all know you love him, baby. just give him time so he can know it too... but don't put your life on hold for it."

my lips are turning blue already.

sent diana a message asking if things could at least be civil between chaise and i.

she suggested that i call her or meet her for coffee...

...this can't be good.

guess i'll find out.

why is this so hard? it's like trying to get a grease stain out of a white shirt...

wow. glee's version of 'sombody to love' by queen made me cry. that song makes my heart hurt...

oh my god. one more week.

so some motherfucker decided that smashing my window and stealing my ipod would be a great way to start the morning...

...joke's on you, stupid ass because the damn thing doesn't even work unless it's plugged in and, thanks to you, i get a brand new one because of the wonderful institution that is auto insurance.

on another note, i didn't get the job i applied for, which makes me sad. but i asked my boss for extra hours so i can have extra monies, so that should help things.

and i need to really kick my ass in the gym this week. oh, and my annual case of bronchitis may be on its way. yay for shit like that right before a show... ugh, my nose is running and i feel like my throat is going to make me burp up flames...

Most expensive thing in your closet?
these shoes i got for $15 from last chance... they run about $800 retail. unfortunately, i cannot wear them, as they make me feel as though chopping my feet off altogether would be significantly less painful...

A print you have a lot of?
black, haha

What is your favorite color to wear?
i LOVE black and dark gray. it makes me feel mysterious and sexy, though i think i've been in a rut for the past decade...

Favorite tee shirt?
well, my 'i kissed a vampire and i liked it' shirt is pretty sweet, but it makes me feel like a 15-year-old...

Something you'll keep for years to come?
my daddy's football jersey that he gave me. and this t-shirt my mommy used to wear all the time...

Least expensive thing in your closet?
oh geez... old navy flip flops?

Anything borrowed in there?
no.

Anything stolen in there?
i have this white hoodie that i borrowed from abby freshman year of college... now that she lives with me i can hold off on giving it back a little longer:).

Do you have a walk in closet?
no

Is you closet big enough?
i need to organize it because i have luggage and stuff just kind of jammed in there... but it's big enough

Ever kissed anyone in there?
that'd be rather difficult...

Made out?
see above

Something embarrasing thats in your closet?
some of my raunchy astrology books, but that's not really all that embarrassing...

Are your hangers wire, plastic or wooden?
all of the above

What color are they?
clear, white, wooden, pink...

Any food in there?
eeeew...

Do you keep excessories in your closet?
you mean, 'ACCessories'? not really... i don't have that many now that i think about it

Sexiest thing you own thats in there?
ha, all my sexy things are in my 'when i get a boyfriend, he's going to be the luckiest bastard alive' drawer...

Something you can't stand but keep anyway?
my dresses that i got for work. i don't like them anymore, but i keep them 'just in case'...

Whats one item that someone frequently borrows?
i dunno... i think alicia's fedora's in there, but that's something that I always borrow...

Does it make you mad when people take things out of your closet without asking?
yes

Favorite jeans?
my black skinny jeans

Any posters hanging in there?
nah, not yet anyway...

Decorations?
none

What color are the walls?
white

Whats the worst thing you've done while inside your closet?
i can't fit in my closet...

What kind of doors does it have?
sliding

Do you keep out of season stuff in there or store it somewhere else until you need it again?
in storage bins or at my mom's...

One unique thing about your closet?
there's a computer printer in there that i'm too lazy to hook up...

One thing you would change about it?
the clothes. i need to get out of my jeans-and-tight-low-cut-shirts phase...

Are you satisfied with your closet completely?
it is what it is:).

no good very emo morning... blah, when is this going to STOP?

...a bubble butt?

yeah, that's right. i am now the VERY proud owner of a bubble butt. i was really happy that it decided to lift upward (hence the bubble-esque shape...) rather than disappear altogether. kickboxing, you have made me love my ass almost as much as i love my boobs (which have not gotten any smaller, YAY-EEEEE!), and for that i must thank you.

treadmill, if you could please melt the blubber off of my stomach a little faster, i would love you!

i feel like i'm writing an infomercial for physical fitness, but jesus, i've never stuck with anything this long and even though i'm not '10 inches and one pant size' smaller, it's nice to see the little things changing here and there. like my bubble butt:).

is it bad that the reason i'm so dillegent about this is so i can stick it to chaise by looking oh-so-good in october? maybe, but whatever happens, i can go home, strip down and be like, 'DAMN!'

and i'm out...

woo-hoo! having my ring of death delivered directly to my house has brought my 3 month costs from $180 to just $80! that was really exciting, as i was thinking of risking virtual insanity by going back on pills...

...and working out has really boosted my mood. i feel like it takes a lot more to genuinely upset me AND it gives me something to do other than sit around and think of nothings that result in my getting upset.

good timing too, as one of my very best friends needs me right now, and i am more than happy to oblige, as she has NEVER turned away from me when i've needed her most. i feel like i'm getting a chance to return the favor and i'm going to try my bestest:).

and nicole richie and joel madden make me angry. or jealous, whatever you want to call it. so do heidi klum and seal. rpatz and i are going to be phenomenal... once i get famous and charm him with my lady graces, of course...

LINDSEY I MISS YOU AND WE NEED TO HANG OUT SOOOOOON!

i actually got off of my ass and went to the gym today. i have a training session tuesday so that i can kick 'operation: bringin sexy back' into high gear. i can't wait till the show, because i'm gonna look DAMN good...

...i'm going to start eating right as soon as i can afford to buy some food, which will be the end of this weekend when my stupid payment posts on my credit card. lean cuisines, veggies and fish.

i get my hair trimmed tomorrow, which is going to be nice, as it's been a while and though it looks a LOT better since i colored it (i almost cried, RIP blonde, you will be missed...), i still look like i've been over drying my hair. which i have because i have to smooth it out more often due to the split ends.

can't fucking wait till my birthday, though 22 is one of those weird ages that doesn't mean anything...